Tales from the Heart Cave

As I mentioned before in my last post, the heart cave is an inward journey into heart and soul, where dharma lives.  It turns out that the "heart cave" is not always a physical place; it is barely an allocation of time and space. 

I carry within me the heart cave everywhere I go. 

And thank god, because this is not a time for renunciation. It is not a time to sit for hours in contemplation - at least for me right now. This is a time for balance of action and inaction; balance of Self and other; healing trauma and being in service; retreating and integrating; individualism and the collective. Yes to the rituals of practice, yes to love and light, yes to healing! AND yes to taking action every single day. How each and every one of us chooses to live daily, makes a lifetime; makes a culture, a society. Unless you are completely content with life - this is how we can create change personally and collectively.

Simultaneously we heal and show up for work. Because if we wait until the perfect time, the perfect place, the perfect job, the perfect weight or perfect partner - it will be too late. And besides perfection is completely subjective. As the saying goes, "all is perfectly imperfect".

I am mostly an idealist; and believe that Love and Light will prevail and save us all - someday.
And we need more than that right now. 

~

Part of my intention for taking a break from teaching public classes is to open up mental space and allow me to explore, in more depth, my relationship with yoga. I was suffering from burn out big time. I was dragging myself to teach; uninspired and unmotivated. I was ready to throw in the towel and move on to something else. A break was needed to sort this out. 

When I was on retreat with my teacher Seane Corn in June, I had the joy and privilege to sit eye to eye with her and ask for advice. I asked if she had ever suffered from burn out in her 25 years of teaching and what did she do about it. I was surprised to hear that she never had. But she did offer me some very helpful advice; "take a break." It's that simple. And she shared that practicing and teaching with intention, ritual and prayer has kept her connected and inspired all these years. Okay, got it. I can do that. 

But there is more. I want to be more challenged. I want to have more of an impact. I want to be in service to a cause that can create change for those who need it the most. This has been eating at me for at least a couple years now, if not more.  I am still exploring this; and learning and researching not only the skills required to do so, but also what's in my heart that wants to come forth. At the same time learning to accept that, right now, I am doing enough and doing my best. 

This period of burn out was also saying to me, it's time to either change or quit. Now that I've had some time to reflect, to quit teaching is clearly not the answer. The beautiful thing that happened during this burn out phase is that I became completely unattached to teaching, to the results of it, to the expectations that I have for myself and any perceived expectations from others. It is so liberating! I feel like I can move forward now with less tension, less fear; and with less hesitation to allow what is in my heart to come through. 

I have also wondered if what I was experiencing was really actual burn out or resistance to necessary growth. I believe it's both. Being on the edge or precipice of change, there is almost always tension. Tension manifests in a myriad of ways and is also known as RESISTANCE. For me, it has shown up in my left hip and leg, in my neck, and the moments just before heading to class, throwing a tantrum in my mind; and when I am simultaneously aware of the injustices happening in our country and the world, while I am in my insulated bubble of contentment. 

The burning question remains, "what do I do?!" 

The work always begins within.

Often when we take a good look in the mirror, it can be very enlightening and a good wake up call. I realized I had been slacking in my own practices of yoga on and off the mat. Duh! Of course, this is going to show up when I teach. And how can I ask others to be present with their bodies, to breathe, to reflect their yoga practice off the mat in their relationship with work, family, partners, the Earth basically every choice we make, if I am not not fully doing it myself? Okay, got it. 

First, I need to commit to the choice I made to stay with yoga and evolve. Which means going into the tension, feeling it, and listening to what it has to teach me. Only then will I be able to transform it. That means, showing up on my mat more often. Another huge a-ha moment, which is more of a reminder than anything (thanks again to Seane Corn and her book that just came out, Revolution of the Soul) is that, the yoga really works! I'm reminded that there is so much more happening on the mat than I realize as a teacher - and yes, teaching yoga can be enough, if we allow the yoga to do the work. 

Knowing what I know about yoga and its precepts, yamas and niyamas, its a really good place to start to take action in everyday living. When the amazon rainforest was ablaze this summer from wildfires caused by slash and burn practices to make room for cattle grazing (20% of global trade of beef), I cried. I felt the devestation in my body. I decided to significantly reduce my consumption of meat. Now, I source from local growers and farmers only. Which is more expensive and difficult if not impossible, when eating out. So, that means less consumption. This is only one example of a choice I can make that is aligned with my beliefs and my feelings in my body, and that may have a ripple effect. 

I know there is so much more I can do and am continuing to do, to live in alignment with truth, love, compassion, and respect for the Earth and for each other; and ultimately living in alignment with my heart. 

Entering the Heart Cave

And finally with much consideration and consultation from some of my most revered teachers and friends, I've decided to - at the very least - step away from my weekly public classes, for a sabbatical of sorts. My intention is to zoom out on my life to see the bigger picture; and to get into the heart cave. 

Maybe its a slow unraveling. Or a careful severing of an identity that I have over thirteen years shaped and molded into something I can lean into. (To be clear, the severing is the letting go of any attachment to the identity of me as "yoga teacher", and not a severing of my commitment to show up and teach yoga.)

My yoga life has everything to do with who I am today; and will likely have everything to do with who I am becoming. 

I''m also 42, considerably middle age. It comes as no surprise that I have arrived at crossroads. I feel as if I am at the end of a singular path, and now I'm standing at a juncture where I see a thousand paths to choose from. I've taken to Brene Brown's term a 'the midlife unraveling' over the more notorious phrase "midlife crisis".  A crisis would imply an emergency, instability and an urgency for a decision to be made. Sure, that may also be true for some. When mis-aligned, spirit will continue to speak until heard. It can feel like an emergency. But how I see it is this: it's the need to re-evaluate life. Rather then making hasty decisions that provide only temporary satisfaction and momentary feelings of youthfulness, it is a heart call to deem what is most valuable, most meaningful and to reflect those values upon every facet of life.  It requires serious carving of time and space.
Hence, the heart cave.

For me the "crisis" - if it is one - is coming up against the reality that time is not slowing down. In fact, it seems to be speeding up. It is realizing that there's no more time to waste on living in fear of being honest, of speaking truth (satya), of doing the things that live inside dreams, there is no time to waste on indecision, on confusion and on looking away from the all the disparities; because being disengaged, and numb only perpetuates the suffering.

Entering the heart cave.

Customarily, the cave is a place for solitary meditation and spiritual practices. Going "into the cave" signifies going inward into a place that is dark, damp and of the Earth; like a womb. Intentionally going in, asks that pockets be emptied at the entry, leaving all but the body - the vehicle of the heart and Self. Choosing to go in is equally choosing to let go of attachments that cause confusion of who we truly are. Attachment (aparigraha) is the ego clinging to something - whether it be a material object, a person, or job - that affirms and maintains a sense of identity in relationship to that thing. The thought of not having the thing, is death to the ego, which shows up as fear. Ultimately, rooted in universal fears of abandonment; fear of not belonging; fear of not enough; fear of death itself.

The dark, damp space is also a place where seeds are planted. It is an exceptionally creative space. Seeping with potential. The ego also fears this, because it is unknown territory. As a gardener, it's the dense compost rich with nutrients that is ready for seeds. When the seed is planted it does not question or fear the darkness. It actually needs the dark soil to sprout and the seed simply goes on to be what it is designed to be. This is dharma.

The heart cave is where dharma lives. The heart is where the seed of intention (sankalpa) is planted, and spreads its roots to every cell of the body. This seed is more than intention, it is an undying truth flushed with devotion and love, and is the blueprint of the soul in this life.