Monday, April 23, 2018


What does it mean to be connected, to feel connected?

I have unknowingly been seeking an answer to this question all my life. Now, I approach it with more curious awareness then from a place of lack, desperation and confusion. I am diving deep into it. 

I am curious of how we are able to connect in a world that is technologically driven, a world that fosters independence over collaboration, a world that is increasingly divisive despite our efforts and claims of being united and inclusive.

I'm exploring this not because I want to fix what is broken; thats too much a burden to bear. Although the idealist in me, believes there is still time to turn the sinking ship around. I am curious, because at the root of many of our problems is a loss of human connection and loss of self-worth; and we are desperately seeking just that.

I am remembering all the times when I felt disconnected, abandoned and alone. Growing up with uncertainty and insecurity, new kid at school, dumped by my first boyfriend, that first night I arrived to India all alone (happened to be New Years Eve), the days following spent in the ashram, and all the days in between where I did not belong to groups, circles, programs that I desperately wanted to be a part of.  Even when I was a part of one of those programs, surrounded by mostly kind and loving people, I felt alone.

It turns out, being in the presence of a group of seemingly likeminded people, feelings of disconnection and not belonging still arise. In some cases, even more so. The longing to connect persists; and the feeling of wholeness remains just out of reach, loneliness and depression only dig their heels in deeper. I believe the sense of disconnection relates to lack of purpose. Misalignment. Latent dharma.

So, what constitutes true connection?

I am remembering all the times when I have felt truly whole and connected. When I worked as a field biologist in the mountains hiking for 10 hours a day, mostly alone; island hopping on a boat in Indonesia; yoga teacher trainings, classes and workshops; meeting my husband; the one rare moment at the ashram; holding my baby; in meditation whether it be seated, walking, surfing; listening to my friends' pain and holding her while she cries; in my garden. So many moments of connection.

This is what I know so far. Being able to truly connect, whether it be to Self or to another person or group of people, is not based on shared values, belief systems, culture or race, age or gender. It happens when we are vulnerable, in the experience of pain and joy and freedom. When we are aligned with the truth of our heart.

For me it has been a journey inward. Into the depths of my heart and soul. I go there through yoga, through nature, and through the raw truth of pain and joy. When I reflect on all those varied moments of true connection, there is a common thread of being able to let go of the shit that gets in the way of real eminent presence.

To be continued....